Smitten Kitten

Happiness is a weird thing. You can't touch it. You're always searching for it. You just have to know. Like love. When you have it, you're afraid of losing it, somewhere. When you have it, you don't really think about not having it. When it's not there, it's all you want.

We're such consumers.

Happiness, for me, is always found in the crevice of one of my daydreams. Even when things are shitty. I can create it in my own world. My own reality. It's hard for me to snap out of that world completely. To realize how alone we actually are most of the time.

I keep seeing this question everywhere sometimes: Do we ever really know a person? It breaks my heart to even think about it. Do I know Pat? Do I know my parents? Do I know my friends? Truly know. I don't know.

I'm habitual. I couldn't stop plucking out my eyebrows the summer before seventh grade when I quit gymnastics and Kelsey moved away. I don't regret that. It was the first time I came face to face with loss. I became utterly consumed and devoted to being a fan of Johnny Depp, as silly as it seems. I don't regret that either, it was the first time I came face to face with art. Now, what am I. Sometimes I miss my days spent doing nothing more than studying movies, drawing, painting, and playing piano at the top of my lungs. It all seems to pour into who I am now, right? Somewhere. Shining through some little crack? Where am I. Does anyone know me? Especially now?

I want to know people. I care. I really do.

I want to hold his heart, his mind. I know I can bear it.

Cranberry Chicken Salad

How amazing does this look? I'm in the process of making it...sans walnuts.

Check out Smitten Kitchen - they have AWESOME recipes and lots of pictures.

Idle Bone Tuesday

I did nothing today but skip class, lay in bed, and watch Night of the Living Dead. I have this grand plan to start eating healthier, exercising, and actually getting my schoolwork done on time. We'll see how that goes.

The Lucies were last night which were aaamazing to say the least. Brilliant work. Obviously. They are awarding some of the best photographers in the world. Even the awards show downplayed the fashion photography, which I thought was quite funny. I especially loved Sara Terry's project "The Aftermath," that documents warzones after they have been destroyed by war, left abandoned and swept under the rug when we get too depressed to remember them anymore.

http://www.theaftermathproject.org/history.htm

Despite being emotional chaotic over the past few weeks, I am finally finding some stability. Thanks birth control pill... Shouldn't I be used to these hormones by now...a year later? I wish I stopped taking it out on Pat. I honestly don't mean to. After the fact, I always feel so ridiculous but I can never help it at the time.

The problem is always the same in different forms. I get into these moods where I despise the distance and resent one of us having to leave the other one in a few days. Pat reacts to cheer me up and I receive it as he isn't taking it seriously and I feel belittled and silly, wanting him to be that emotionally pulled that we just lie there together. What the fuck is wrong with me? That's how I always feel. On the bright side, I really feel that every time we talk this over, it makes a little more sense. We get each other a little more? We take into account that we handling our missing of each other differently?

Pat's really good though. He's going to the first World Series game tomorrow! So awesome! I wish airplane tickets were cheaper and that I wasn't so fucking broke so I could go with him. That would be incredible.

My internship with the Green Dot Awards has turned out to be pretty badass. I really like being part of the gallery world - and have developed more respect for photography when to be honest, I used to look down on it. I always thought studio art took a lot more. Maybe partially it does, but photography captures the world how it is - of course you can't avoid the inherent perspective of the photographer, but regardless of Photoshop (not totally feeling it...), these images actually happened. I kind of want to get a camera and mess around with it. Maybe for Christmas or something? Who knows. That is all for now.

Cheers.