Cocorosie - "Werewolf"

In a dream I was a werewolf 
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fright

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah I suck dick
Loose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children's things a young mother's love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water, but I'm just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my
Schizophrenic father. Weeping willow won't you wallow louder
Searching for my father's power

I'ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

He's a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein on his mom's
And born child and he was the bastard that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he's gots his own two sons
Tries to hide his tears in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator
Laugh now alligator

Oh in a dream
My love came to me
And made me swear
That I'd keep what's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To fill in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing, Oh happy day

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
He had your hands and my father's face
Another Western vampire different time same place
I has dreams that brings me sadness
Rain much deeper than a river
Sorrow flow through me
Tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

I'ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse 

Love

Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear when people I love are in love. I'm scared of other people getting their hearts broken. I'm scared of other people hurting because they're in love and the one they love is far away. I just hate seeing the only thing that makes any sense exist too far away to touch.

I love October!

So, today was a relatively productive day! I woke up at 9, went running around the East Village until the cold air collapsed my lungs, drank coffee, worked until 4, delivered a fruit bag due to an immense amount of fuck-ups that happened as we change over to the new computer system at work, saw The Battle of Algiers with my class, and met Caroline and Nina for some wine! All together, a pretty good day. Plus, the weather was truly gorgeous; I love fall so much it makes me want to squeal.


This weekend, I'm off to New Hampshire with the whole crew, which will be fantastic and hilarious and I cannot wait until we are departing the city tomorrow night. I need a break from New York SO BADLY. Leaves and hot apple cider and mountains and TREES!!?! DO THEY EVEN EXIST? I CAN'T REMEMBER?!?!


I'm a bit melodramatic, I admit it, but I'm just really looking forward to this trip. I'm exhausted at the moment so I'm going to get some sleep for once...hopefully the next time I feel like writing I will also feel revived with the refreshing air of the countryside. Happy autumn!

The Years Go Fast and the Days Go So Slow

It's hard to sit still today. 
...

Just saw that I missed seeing Belle and Sebastian on the Williamsburg Waterfront...DAMN.


In other news, I woke up and got completely ready for the day only to remain sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee well past when I should have left for class. Fail. I just - hate - the rain. It's a cold, rainy Monday and I just couldn't leave my apartment. I know that missed class probably calculates to like $400 and I'm really sorry about that but it really was just not happening today. Maybe in a few hours.


I miss driving in Jacksonville, gliding over the highways in the sweet summer air. Driving over to Emilie's house in highschool, Pat's house in college. I will forever love that feeling that I had in highschool and early college. All those "firsts" and coming into young adulthoodness. There's really no replacement for that and sometimes I really miss it. I had that feeling a few times while abroad in Dublin. I keep waiting for it to come back here in New York but it just isn't right now. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on that form of thought for it to actually make its appearance. I just hope it isn't gone forever.


I have an evening lecture to attend tonight. It's called "Media, Education, and Sustainable Social Change in Unstable Places" and Dr. Mathangi Subramanian is speaking. It's basically about the use of media in areas (particularly their education systems) that have been destroyed by freak circumstances. I'm excited to see what is said. My Thinking Globally, Acting Locally class is required to attend several of these evening lectures in conjuncture with the Sustainability Series put on by the department of Social and Cultural Analysis. 


Very interesting...especially this one I went to a couple weeks ago on Masdar City. Have you heard about this? It's some crazy shit. The same oil tycoons that have made bank over the past century - all because of the fossil fuel economy, of course - are now pouring their fortune (we're talking BILLIONS here) into the creation of the first "carbon neutral" city just outside of Abu Dhabi. (Note: NYU has a satellite campus, like a four year official campus, in Abu Dhabi. WTF? Why? There are just so many questions and relationships I would love to ask about right now.) This city is an enormous feat is if it is possible and it would be an incredible environmental city. Of course, it will unfortunately perpetuate the whole "rich-people want to build walls around themselves and live "sustainably" and keep all the lesser-thans out" phenomenon which I don't think is good. Also, why are we building something brand spanking new when there are so many communities that need help reconstructing or building for the first time? Since the effects of global warming are going to hit those with the least luxuries and the least resources the worst, why are you oil tycoons putting your energy into them? It's not really about "helping others" though. It's about the powerful symbol. Which could be good for environmentalism, too, I guess. It just depresses me nonetheless.


Things I want to do right now:
- Play Scrabble
- Drink hot apple cider
- See The Social Network and You Will Meet a Tall, Dark Stranger
- Tumble...maybe Tuesday night gym class
- I actually feel like painting....maybe I'll paint today?
- Eat a raspberry bran muffin from Build a Green Bakery.


That is all. Good day!

Slow Candlelight vs. Snapping Citynight

"Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be."

— Hunter S. Thompson "

It's been awhile. I can't remember exactly why I originally created this blog but I must admit, it's sort of validating to go back and read something I wrote when I was in a completely different place.

Now, I find myself at the beginning of that notorious final year of college. I'm asking myself the typical, "What the fuck am I going to do with my life?" question pretty regularly. People say the possibilities are endless; that I am youth. That I could do anything I want, I have a lifetime ahead of me. While I appreciate this optimistic outlook, I find myself wondering the truth of that statement. How many of those unhappy people isolating themselves into their ipods on the subway (myself included) were told this same thing only to find themselves inevitably selling out to the same system they spent four years of college analyzing and critiquing and swearing to always remain conscious of? Does the sort of philosophical level that the collegiate setting constantly pulls you into fade once you get a day job? I sit at work sometimes and wonder how these people, who I really do respect and who work extremely hard to keep the company afloat, think. Are they content? Are they miserable? Are they even "there?"

Sometimes getting up in the morning, the routine-ness of everything, brushing my teeth, pouring my coffee, walking all of two blocks to the subway, and sitting at my desk for 8 hours fixing peoples' food orders so they get their local (and therefore more moral of course) produce is pretty fucking unbearable. I can't imagine living through a year of that with no classes to make me feel like I will eventually be doing something for work that stretches the vacant space in my head.

I haven't been able to write anything in over a year. Like really write. Or really paint for that matter. I feel such a block. Like I have so much bad energy that just needs to be expelled. For the last month, it just kind of took over me in this really overwhelming way. I just want to get this bad stuff out but I feel paralyzed with it and pretending it's not really there is just not working so well anymore. I think it has something to do with New York. There are just too many people that exist in too temporary of a way here and it's driving me crazy. I just want to walk into a bar and be able to actually talk to someone for once. The person I used to be able to do that with was a terrible situation but at the same time, I really miss him. At least I felt present and I felt interesting. I heard it once described as "locusts" that swarm in everyday and then vacate the city once they're done feeding on it. I get that.

I did find a program I could see myself not just tolerating for a year, but truly engaging with and investing myself in. It's just getting off the ground - the Food Corps, modeled on the Ameri-Corps program, and it's being developed by Curt Ellis who made the King Corn, Truck Farm documentaries. Applications will be in early January so I'll be working on that in the near future and that really brightens me.

In an attempt to organize that energy I feel firing around inside of me, I will revert to my old friend, the list...

Things I hate right now:

- Being required to be anywhere at a specific time. Even yoga. I don't want to be there exactly at 10 am. Fuck you.

- It's over now, but I still wish to file a complaint with the gods about the weather last week. So fucking humid, rainy... utter misery.

- Why can't I take a constant temperature shower? What the fuck? Is it the pipes?

- Loud bars, too many drunk people randomly hooking up because that's the only way to meet someone in this city. Don't get me wrong. I've had my fair share of drunken connection in bars. I'm bored by it now though.

- If I have to have a conversation with one more self-important, pretentious, overly theoretical artist, I am going to scream.

- Why are people still ashamed of being an American? My god. You should consider yourself fortunate enough to have the freedom to be so unappreciative, you unthinking pricks.

- Why is the 6V battery I need for my old camera so fucking expensive?

- I need a nightstand.

Things I love right now:

- It's finally fall. I love waking up to crisp air and the smell of charcoal. Please stay this way.

- New Hampshire next weekend - a much needed escape from the city. Trees? Leaves? I forget if these exist or not.

- Coffee on Sunday mornings.

- Thank you Mud Coffee, for steaming the soy milk before you slip it into my coffee. It makes a huge difference. I notice. You always have a great playlist, too. I also like making eye contact with these attractive men that pour my coffee. Is this your musical taste? Are you single and wanting to have a conversation?

- American Apparel's new nail polish. I love this light purple grey one. L'Espirit.

- I dyed my hair auburn/maroon dark brown.

- I finally cleaned my room and can actually exist in it without despising my furniture. I also like the arrangement of postcards sticking to my dresser.

- Damien Rice's demo of 9 Crimes.

...

I just want to feel like I am consciously part of the present moment. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm floating. Please tie me down. Someone wake me up.

Dachshund Day 2010

Dachshunds are my favorite. Out of proportion perfection.