"Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be."
Now, I find myself at the beginning of that notorious final year of college. I'm asking myself the typical, "What the fuck am I going to do with my life?" question pretty regularly. People say the possibilities are endless; that I am youth. That I could do anything I want, I have a lifetime ahead of me. While I appreciate this optimistic outlook, I find myself wondering the truth of that statement. How many of those unhappy people isolating themselves into their ipods on the subway (myself included) were told this same thing only to find themselves inevitably selling out to the same system they spent four years of college analyzing and critiquing and swearing to always remain conscious of? Does the sort of philosophical level that the collegiate setting constantly pulls you into fade once you get a day job? I sit at work sometimes and wonder how these people, who I really do respect and who work extremely hard to keep the company afloat, think. Are they content? Are they miserable? Are they even "there?"
Sometimes getting up in the morning, the routine-ness of everything, brushing my teeth, pouring my coffee, walking all of two blocks to the subway, and sitting at my desk for 8 hours fixing peoples' food orders so they get their local (and therefore more moral of course) produce is pretty fucking unbearable. I can't imagine living through a year of that with no classes to make me feel like I will eventually be doing something for work that stretches the vacant space in my head.
I haven't been able to write anything in over a year. Like really write. Or really paint for that matter. I feel such a block. Like I have so much bad energy that just needs to be expelled. For the last month, it just kind of took over me in this really overwhelming way. I just want to get this bad stuff out but I feel paralyzed with it and pretending it's not really there is just not working so well anymore. I think it has something to do with New York. There are just too many people that exist in too temporary of a way here and it's driving me crazy. I just want to walk into a bar and be able to actually talk to someone for once. The person I used to be able to do that with was a terrible situation but at the same time, I really miss him. At least I felt present and I felt interesting. I heard it once described as "locusts" that swarm in everyday and then vacate the city once they're done feeding on it. I get that.
I did find a program I could see myself not just tolerating for a year, but truly engaging with and investing myself in. It's just getting off the ground - the Food Corps, modeled on the Ameri-Corps program, and it's being developed by Curt Ellis who made the King Corn, Truck Farm documentaries. Applications will be in early January so I'll be working on that in the near future and that really brightens me.
In an attempt to organize that energy I feel firing around inside of me, I will revert to my old friend, the list...
Things I hate right now:
- Being required to be anywhere at a specific time. Even yoga. I don't want to be there exactly at 10 am. Fuck you.
- It's over now, but I still wish to file a complaint with the gods about the weather last week. So fucking humid, rainy... utter misery.
- Why can't I take a constant temperature shower? What the fuck? Is it the pipes?
- Loud bars, too many drunk people randomly hooking up because that's the only way to meet someone in this city. Don't get me wrong. I've had my fair share of drunken connection in bars. I'm bored by it now though.
- If I have to have a conversation with one more self-important, pretentious, overly theoretical artist, I am going to scream.
- Why are people still ashamed of being an American? My god. You should consider yourself fortunate enough to have the freedom to be so unappreciative, you unthinking pricks.
- Why is the 6V battery I need for my old camera so fucking expensive?
- I need a nightstand.
Things I love right now:
- It's finally fall. I love waking up to crisp air and the smell of charcoal. Please stay this way.
- New Hampshire next weekend - a much needed escape from the city. Trees? Leaves? I forget if these exist or not.
- Coffee on Sunday mornings.
- Thank you Mud Coffee, for steaming the soy milk before you slip it into my coffee. It makes a huge difference. I notice. You always have a great playlist, too. I also like making eye contact with these attractive men that pour my coffee. Is this your musical taste? Are you single and wanting to have a conversation?
- American Apparel's new nail polish. I love this light purple grey one. L'Espirit.
- I dyed my hair auburn/maroon dark brown.
- I finally cleaned my room and can actually exist in it without despising my furniture. I also like the arrangement of postcards sticking to my dresser.
- Damien Rice's demo of 9 Crimes.
...
I just want to feel like I am consciously part of the present moment. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm floating. Please tie me down. Someone wake me up.
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